addison rae, fashion as communication, & turning up your own volume
🍧 plus, is there (real) community in aesthetic?
Hi fruit lovers. Today, we’re considering the ways we communicate with our style, for better and for worse. And more specifically, how we can turn up the volume on our own voice when it comes to genuine preferences and aesthetic interests versus being swayed by our environment in the name of community.
Or something like that. Shall we?
This newsletter is the third installment to THE ARTIST’S WAY FOR PERSONAL STYLE! An 8-part series of newsletters, lovingly paired with journal prompts & exercises for recovering (and discovering) your connection to your personal style. Browse the full collection of newsletters in this series here.
People are telling us what to do and who to be all the time… everyone but ourselves that is.
It’s a shame, no? But it makes sense. In a chaotic world, the desire to just simply know what we should look like, how we should act, and who we should hang out with is almost… relaxing. The idea that, should we become this idealistic version of ourselves, the world becomes a little easier to live in. How tantalizing. And even if we make headway in this great pursuit, there’s a pretty good chance we’re faced with a closet that never fully feels like us.
Which shouldn’t surprise you, since you’ve turned the volume down on your gut instincts to about 0.
And it’s not your fault! Between recommendation culture, endless “it” aesthetics, beauty standards, and the ever-so-subtle and near-constant pursuit of effortless and cool, and generally just trying to survive in this world, how could we possibly hear our own voice?
And that’s the catch— it might not be our fault, but (BORINGGGG) it is our responsibility. If we want it to be. It’s our self-duty to hear what our soul creatively aches for. To hear yourself out when it comes to aesthetic interests, preferences, and ultimately, to understand what you want to communicate with your clothing (we’ll circle back to that).
It’s our self-duty to hear what our soul creatively aches for.
I am reminded of the conversation happening around Addison Rae and authenticity.
This is relevant, I swear.
“Is she being authentic or performative?” the masses cry. I offer you 2 perspectives, maybe you could even call them lessons, that felt relevant to this week’s conversation:
Everything is a performance. But its what genuinely excites you that makes it authentic. It’s the costume you put on, the song you perform to, the genre you pick.
Fashion, personal style, aesthetic interests… they are all ever-evolving. Life’s no fun when your inspirations stay static. They are allowed to change, be cool, be uncool, go back 3 years, go forward 5, change from day-to-day, or be curated for a whole year. What you want to say with your style, whether its to yourself or to others, can and will change.
Fashion as communication
Circling back to the communication of our personal style. What we want to say. And more importantly, maybe, is why we want to say it. Let’s cut this up into a few bites and dig into this a little more:
How others influence what we want to say + the desire for community via aesthetic
Have you ever attended, say, an art show? Maybe a dinner party? And felt so entirely out of place like you didn’t get the memo that the dress code was Rick Owens or linen pants? This scenario could evoke a couple things.
Maybe you were like “Okay. Noted. Linen pants.” for next time
Maybe you thought “Oh, I don’t dress like that at all. These aren’t my people”
Maybe it made you hyperaware of how you’re dressed— “Do these people really see me?”
And I have to wonder, aesthetics aside, when we dress with a niche community in mind I believe it has much more to do with seeking community itself than we are willing to admit. We want to be seen, accepted, heard by others. But we don’t spend nearly as much time fostering that relationship with ourselves.
Truthfully, when I’ve been in environments like this, where I look around and everyone is wearing the same outfits, it feels like no coincidence that the conversations are vapid. Dead air. No wonder you feel judged for looking or dressing a little different, there’s no other substance in the room! These spaces can sometimes feel really sad and dreary, because behind the Tabis, is a deep desire for connection and acceptance. And so many of us have been convinced that the way to achieve that is through facade.
A friend and I were discussing a similar topic on fashion and community and she said something I want to highlight here: “If you’re an authentic person who truly loves their style, there’s always going to be something a little off kilter about it. It’s never going to be perfectly curated when it’s real. And that’s what makes someone interesting to both themselves and probably others.”
And with all the aforementioned internet influence of others and IRL community influence, sometimes it can be hard to distinguish what our aesthetic interests are versus what the community we want to engage with is at-large aesthetically interested in. There can be crossover, but there can also be differences.
If this conversation is resonating with you, what I want us to consider is (1) what we are really searching for in fashion and in community (acceptance, validation, chosen family, friendship, approval, etc.) and (2) that community cannot be built on aesthetics alone.
“If you’re an authentic person who truly loves their style, there’s always going to be something a little off kilter about it. It’s never going to be perfectly curated when it’s real. And that’s what makes someone interesting to both themselves and probably others.”
Maybe you feel like you have to fit a certain aesthetic bill to fit in. But I want to remind you that this kind of community only scratches the surface. The magic of connection, and contentment in our personal style, happens when we show up as our cosmically complicated selves.
It’s also worth noting here that signaling group identity and community is really the core of fashion history as a whole. For better or for worse. From cultural or religious attire, to the history of queer signaling, to the conversation of dressing to signal status.
Our conversation today is centered around the lens of the pressure we feel from others or put on ourselves to dress a certain way that opposes how our true self wants to express- and that, maybe, the pressure and the influence has been so loud that it’s hard to hear what our true self even wants anymore!
So if there is a meaningful garment or adornment associated with your group identity whatever it may be, I want to encourage you to hold onto it. Make it your own. What matters in today’s conversation is uncovering what is your voice and what matters to you, versus what is being placed upon you.
Exploring stylistic communication through the lens of what we want to say, and mainly, what we want to say to ourselves (because, god forbid, we like ourselves and our ever-changing aesthetic interests)
First of all, let me burst your bubble. The reason you can’t find your personal style is because it isn’t something to be found. You already have it, you’re just not listening to it.
And your personal style, as convenient as it would be, will never be one little box you can fit yourself into for the rest of your life that feels completely like you. And I get why that would be attractive— but you don’t need to niche yourself into one box to feel at home in your style. (Which, IMO, is the real goal for most of us.)
What would it be like to dance with the creativity of our personal style a little more? How would it feel if getting dressed was a secret language only we could speak? And, maybe, the big question of the day is, how do we actually turn up our own volume, and turn down the dial on others?
I could never leave you hanging. So let’s answer that.
BTW, if this week’s topic resonates, you might like my piece "TASTE"- what it is, isn't, & how to develop it (or not). It explores a lot of conversations in the same realm.
📣 A mini-guide to turning up your own volume
3ish steps that make 1000x the difference.
A sneak peek into next week’s topic but… delete TikTok. Lol. And maybe you’ll redownload it a few times. But delete it most of the time. Actually? Maybe more importantly for my Substack fashion babes. And worse. Delete Pinterest. Sorry, I know. Take breaks, or even a little self-prescribed 2-week detox retreat from any form of social media that you feel is making you feel like you need to be a specific kind of person (ie. a morning person, a Tabi wearing person, a clean girl aesthetic person, a vintage reseller person… the list goes on). Reducing exposure to constant recommendation culture will build up your self-trust and judgement across all categories.
Explore inspiration IRL. This could look like thrifting an old archive magazine (and experiencing the magic of not knowing what to expect on the next page), finding textural inspiration in your friend’s couch, observing the color palette of the light blue Fiat, grey sidewalk, and grassy lawn next to each other, people watching and guessing what someone does for work based on their outfit.
Take stock of your preferences when it comes to silhouette, color palette, textures, fabric combos, and even fabric weight. Get up-close-and-personal with what you like. Maybe literally take note of it and tape your findings to your closet door. Everytime you find another preference gem, write it down. It’s okay if you don’t have a ton of answers! Simply starting to REMEMBER to ask yourself if YOU like things and what it is you like about them is half the battle. (For years, I literally wasn’t paying attention to this voice and it took a few months to calibrate it fully.)
Get curious about the following ideas: You’re more than one thing, and your closet can be too. You’re not a bad person if you didn’t do your laundry today. It’s not worth watering yourself down so others understand you better. Your truest self shines crystal clear when you embody your inner curiosity and natural creativity. You don’t need to spell anything out for anybody.
Want to take it a step further? Of course you do, overachiever. It’s time for this week’s questions + exercises.
Questions & exercises, for your consideration
Inviting you to muse upon these questions in a voice memo to yourself on a long walk, in the comment section below, or even to your friends over fruity mocktails and sushi.
Questions to ponder
What do you want your clothes to communicate to the world?
How can your clothes become a vessel for communication between you and your creativity? Perhaps even between you and your self-trust?
Describe your approach and relationship to your wardrobe— do you change up your look every day? Do you keep up one aesthetic? Do you wish it was different (and if so, how can you get there? What are the blocks)?
In what ways do you dress for others? I know this sounds loaded, but its a neutral question! What are you trying to gain from what you communicate to the world via your style? (Ex. acceptance, community, validation, understanding, etc.) Reflect on this, ideally for a good whole journal page or an hour of a coffee date with a friend.
What do you want to continue to carry with you and what would you like to let go from what came up in question 4?
In what ways do you dress for yourself?
What do you want to continue to carry with you and what would you like to let go from what came up in question 5?
Exercises to do if you’re in need of a cosmic closet refresh
If you’ve been dressing for others, in a niche, for a community, or because you want to stick to one specific thing, style yourself a little differently this week. Some examples:
Being a different character every day
Finding color palette inspiration in the wild and matching it
Channeling your 11-year-old self
Challenge yourself to go to an event or place where your innermost personal style might not “fit the bill.” Get curious and see what comes up! Connect with people even if you feel stylistically out of place, ask about their life stories, talk about your biggest dreams, plan a lunch date at your favorite tapas restaurant. Find the interest in the differences. Seek energy that encourages you to be your fullest self.
And, of course, our exercises from the previous section on turning up your volume, because I for some reason needed to have 1000 sections in today’s newsletter:
Explore inspiration IRL. This could look like thrifting an old archive magazine (and experiencing the magic of not knowing what to expect on the next page), finding textural inspiration in your friend’s couch, observing the color palette of the light blue Fiat, grey sidewalk, and grassy lawn next to each other, people watching and guessing what someone does for work based on their outfit.
Take stock of your preferences when it comes to silhouette, color palette, textures, fabric combos, and even fabric weight. Get up-close-and-personal with what you like. Maybe literally take note of it and tape your findings to your closet door. Everytime you find another preference gem, write it down. It’s okay if you don’t have a ton of answers! Simply starting to REMEMBER to ask yourself if YOU like things and what it is you like about them is half the battle. (For years, I literally wasn’t paying attention to this voice and it took a few months to calibrate it fully.)
I hope you loved today’s conversation. Now I’m nosy… let me know one or all of the As to these Qs in the comments:
What section did you resonate with the most?
What’s your go-to coffee or tea order?
How do you balance dressing for community and dressing for yourself? Do you lean one way or another?
Tights, knee-highs, or crew socks?
What two items in your closet are completely different from one another but together are one of the coolest outfits you own?
Talk to you soon for part 04 of THE ARTIST’S WAY FOR PERSONAL STYLE… where we’ll be talking about YOUR BRAIN ON FASHIONTOK & SOURCING INSPIRATION IRL; AKA YOU’LL LIKE YOUR OUTFITS MORE IF YOU DELETE TIKTOK.
<3, Emma
🍧 Digital places to find me